Critiquing style and self esteem

I read a brave article today. It’s brave because the writer was admitting to something she now regrets. I admire people who have the courage to confess to mistakes they’ve made or things they’ve misjudged. In my opinion it demonstrates strength of character.

The writer, Clare Stevens, in her attempt to explain how ‘beauty standards’ are oppressive, was describing how she used to write critiques of other women; commenting on their weight, whether they were dressed well, whether they looked ‘good’ and whether they looked good naturally or had had surgical interventions to look a certain way. It was the writer’s belief that by expressing her opinion she was doing other women a favour by discouraging particular practices.

As she freely admits, the writer was attempting to do good by women generally through advocating for women’s mental health, but by singling out a particular woman to make an example of, she was hurting that one woman. Many of the women she wrote about were celebrities she had never met.

It’s easy to forget that most people who have become ‘celebrities’ did not set out to be one and they are simply adults who loved to sing, dance, swim, act or whatever and were fortunate to find success doing it. Internally they can be as vulnerable and unsure as the rest of us. That they have been thrust into the spotlight to help promote their project does not mean they enjoy being in the spotlight outside of their work.

I was once closely acquainted with a tv actor and I can tell you that they hated the promotional side of their job; they just wanted to act and to do the best job for the production companies that they could. I don’t believe celebrities should be fair game. It’s simply unkind to publicly ridicule them for the way that they look or dress.

Women are criticised far more for their appearance than men are, whether or not they are famous. I believe, as women, we should go easier on each other. We should be gentle and generous with praise (if we comment at all). The more we rip into each other for the way we look, the more pressure it puts on less secure women to do drastic things to themselves to try to feel more confident about their appearance.

Spending big money on extreme interventions and risking health for beauty is not good role modelling for younger women and girls and perpetuates the cruel notion that our value is in our appearance. I’d much rather encourage women to have fun with their personal style and support rather than criticise. For this same reason, you will not find any ‘before and after’ examples on my website or throughout my social media because I find them unkind. I might demonstrate a colour on somebody but that’s it.

There is plenty of fun that can be had with personal style and fashion in general. Fortunately there’s no right or wrong these days, and no one look we should all be aiming for. Clothes are a visual shorthand to who we are, including our values, preferences and self esteem so learning how to decipher this is useful for clients and this aspect of personal style (known as fashion psychology and sociology) is immensely interesting to me.

Of course sometimes we put together better outfits than on other days. Some days we nail an outfit we love and feel truly represents us. That’s a success and we can feel quietly good about that. But there’s no reason to pay out on women who have not been able to do that. For all we know, it might have taken everything they had just to get out of bed and struggle into work or to run their errands.

If you’re interested in reading more on this topic, I can recommend Brooke Shields’s book ‘Brooke Shields is Not Allowed to Get Old’. She writes as a woman in her late fifties about her experience of ageing and the negative comments she’s received along the way. There’s no hiding for Brooke Shields; she is instantly recognisable and there are many divided opinions on her both as a young woman and a mature one.

In her book she writes that she feels she is in the prime of her life with more to offer than ever, as are (both she and I believe) other women in their fifties and sixties. Yet sadly, she is well aware that the mainstream media doesn’t recognise this. It’s an interesting read.

Thank you to Clare Stevens for your brave article, your honesty, and for adding to our thoughts on this topic.